I'm cool
I found my old sig!
Smart Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
Opa`s brief aan de Kerstman
Dearest Santa,
My name is Grandad and if you don’t give me what I want for Christmas, I am going to personally kick your ass. I don’t think I’m asking for much, unlike last year when I wished for nude photos of Mrs. Clause. That was a little uncalled for.
As a child you’d get me such cool gifts, stuff I never even asked for: Transformers, He-Man figures and CDs. Then I as soon as I entered college BAM your gifts started to really suck ass. It’s like you started doing all your Christmas shopping at K-Mart. Like what were you thinking when you gave me a $5 dollar gift certificate from Starbucks? How much does a half-frappe quarter-mocha soy-latte cost in your neighborhood, Mr. Cheapy Pants!?!
So without further adieu, here is my Christmas List:
Hair on my chest
Hair off my crack
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Makeover
The Paris Hilton Sex Tape Collector’s Edition on DVD 40 more minutes!
Vaccine that will protect me from the Flu, SARS, Shark Attacks and kidnappings.
Photos of Mrs. Clause in her Christmas lingerie?
Okay, that’s it! I hope you can come through for me this year, Santa. The economy is on the up, so no excuses. Hope you have a very, merry Christmas.
Love,
Grandad
The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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